Ah, I Get it Now...The REAL 1st Amendment

Amendment I:
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

See, it is there, plain as day. The First Amendment, the first clause of the Bill of Rights. The language of those days was unclear. We, on the conservative side, take the words as they appear on the document. How foolish! We need to take off the blinders and see what the Constitution REALLY says.

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."
We conservatives have believed that freedom of religion at face value. Now, though, I have seen the light! What it REALLY says, is that "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, but the courts at the behest of special interests may rule against the free exercise thereof, especially if the religion in question preaches love, morals, forgiveness, and redemption. People are free to practice archaic religions like Christianity and Judaism, as long as no one is around to see it. Islam, Scientology, Voodoo, Buddism, and atheism are all protected and must be respected in all areas, public and private. It would be racist and prejudice to restrict these religions from being practiced in public forums." All this time, I never knew that the freedom of religion was so specific! My eyes are finally open. Those darn Christians with their oppressive messages and indoctrinations by offering a simple blessing of food! I am so glad the Constitution clearly lays out the restriction of such practices so we can put these ruthless people in jail!

"Congress shall make no law...abridging the freedom of speech."
Of course, this protects people burning Bibles, the American flag, George W. Bush and other conservatives in effigy, and other peaceful and constructive manners of protest. It also protects perverts like Larry Flynt to promote the degradation of women and positive ideals of immorality and indecency. However, this freedom of speech does not give Americans the right to speak against a democrat administration. It does not give Americans the right to disagree with democrats in congress. It does not give Americans the right to speak against a health care plan that no one knows the full details about. Why, speaking against democrats is divisive and dangerous. Speaking against the health care bill is immoral and fear mongering. People who speak against people like Obama are racists and evil people who need to be stopped. Those type of people must be stopped and must be reported to flag@whitehouse.org! "Congress shall make no law...abridging the freedom of speech, but the courts and the media can attack, discredit, and scrounge your personal life for dirt and embarrassing fact, or even rumors, or even flat out lies, to destroy you should you question, oppose, or try to debate any liberal government official, member of Congress, or member of the democrat administration."

"Congress shall make no law...abridging...the freedom of the press."
Here again, when you have the dangerous voice of opposition, such as a more central leaning network like Fox News Network, that legitimately offers both sides of each story, they must be destroyed. Again, Congress does not have to do the dirty work. The President of the United States will attack the network and its anchors himself. Other parties in the world of media. Papers of record like the New York Times and legendary broadcast networks like NBC and their spin-off cable networks team up to attack any dissenting opinion or spin in the world of media. Congress, however, has listened to and seriously contemplated the "Fairness Doctrine," but only for the conservative wasteland of talk radio. The government, already known for its lack of bias and ability to be completely, blindly fair, will decide, under the fairness doctrine, whether a radio broadcast is giving equal time to all sides of an issue. The fairness doctrine will ignore the broadcast networks like NBC, ABC, CBS, MSNBC, and Comedy Central, and rightfully so! "Congress shall make no law...abridging...the freedom of press, unless it congress sees a need to mute voices of dangerous opposition."

"Congress shall make no law...abridging...the right of the people to peaceably assemble."
Exactly! Look at the peaceful, constructive, spontaneous assemblies of groups like ACORN, SEIU, Planned Parenthood, unions, and other liberal groups. If a conservative happens to get in the way and oppose their views, a courteous curb stomping is in order and perfectly leagal because guns were not involved, thus keeping it peaceable. Now, conservatives, on the other hand, are fear-mongers and wear Brooks Brothers clothing to violently assemble. Why, their hand-written signs scare 11-year-old girls on their way to see President Obama speak! Hand-written signs at a conservative demonstration are more dangerous than all the guns in the world! That poor 11-year-old girl with her pre-written question that was chosen at random, who just so happened to be the daughter of that state's leader of the Obama '08 campaign (What an amazing coincidence!), had to see people with mean signs. The HUMANITY! While Congress has made no law to restrict the dangerous conservative assemblies, but the peaceful, thoughtful liberals have taken things in their own hands. It's okay to peacefully jump a voice of opposition. It's within constitutional protections to throw a pie in the face of a conservative speaker. It's okay to peacefully threaten bank operators who do not want to play by liberal rules. It's okay for liberals like Bill Ayers to bomb US properties and be a part of a group that torched the home of an NYC police officer. They were all peaceful assemblies protecting liberal ideals, which, of course, are the only safe, peaceful ideals that America can survive with.

"Congress shall make no law...abridging...the right of the people...to petition the government for a redress of grievances."
The ACLU and other liberal interest groups, most all funded by George Soros, have proven this freedom is alive and well. However, because of the obstructionism of the conservative right, these poor groups cannot go through congress to make the changes they want happen. Instead, they petition the courts to enact legislative change. Whenever there is a grievance, liberals know that consrvatives will prevent the grievance from being addressed legislatively. So, they sue. Sue again. Sue again and again and again until they reach the liberal bastian of the US Supreme Court. Liberal also use the media to petition the government for a redress of their greivances when there is a Republican in the White House. The media petitions, through their journalistic ways, a Republican President, putting him on trial for everything that liberals deem wrong. However, this right is not granted conservatives. Again, conservatism is dangerous, divisive, insensitive, and just plain mean. Conservatives have no right to question their senators or president on such petty issues as why our nation is spending money that isn't printed yet, why we are entering the largest debt in the history of the planet, why bills are being pushed through so fast that the last pages are smeared because the ink isn't dry, and why the president is appointing czars left and right to positions of unchecked power. How dare conservatives question a man of such unflappable integrity! "Congress shall make no law...abridging...the right of the people...to petition the government for a redress of grievances, except when the liberal movement is in power, because they are all nice people who want to provide everything the government can to the people who they tell are too weak to get it on their own. This right is restricted from conservatives who will use it to divide the country and attack the people in power that we all should trust and take at their word, no matter what."

See? Now that I have explained the REAL first amendment, doesn't it make sense? Don't you see that Obama, Pelosi, Reid, and the liberal left are only using the US Constitution to help? Thank God for Obama and the left!